You probably SHOULD buy lots of tissues. Pic: Thinkstock Source: ThinkStock
We know it feels terrible. We know the two of you were totally supposed to get married and have babies and grow into crooked old codgers together.
But that?s really no excuse for you to lose every last inhibition and shred of common sense overnight.
In that spirit, here are 12 stupid mistakes you should avoid at all costs just after a breakup.
1. LISTENING TO SAD MUSIC
You want to curl up in bed and listen to songs with names like ?Heartbreak?, ?Love Lost? and ?We Were In Love?. Fight that urge. You?ll depress yourself and irritate everyone else. Try to stick with something upbeat.
2. CALLING YOUR RELATIONSHIP ?COMPLICATED?
It?s not complicated. You?d like to think it?s complicated, because that would give you some remote chance of patching things up. In the real world, your relationship status is set firmly to ?single?.
3. STALKING THEM ON FACEBOOK
While we?re using terms like ?relationship status?, let?s talk about Facebook. Stay away from your ex?s profile. Don?t look at their photos. Don?t do a background check on every member of the opposite sex who posts on their wall, because that?s creepy as hell.
4. STALKING THEM IN REAL LIFE
You took a pair of binoculars to the cricket once, and there?s a black turtleneck somewhere in your wardrobe. That doesn?t make you a sleuth, and if you try to act like one you?ll probably earn yourself a restraining order.
5. ?ACCIDENTALLY? TEXTING THEM
?Oops, sorry, sent that to the wrong person. So ? how are you?? Never send this text. It is the most transparently desperate thing you could possibly do.
6. MOANING TO EVERYONE
It?s not that your friends don?t care about your anguish. It?s that you?ve been telling them about it for the last three weeks, and there are only so many times they can nod and coo sympathetically. You?re allowed to be sad, but most people have limits.
7. BUYING A CAT
That pet might help you get through a few lonely months, but then you?ll have to look after it for another five years. Cleaning up cat vomit isn?t glamorous. Besides, there?s always the risk that you?ll buy another pet, then another, and eventually the local children will start calling you ?cat lady?. Then who?ll date you?
8. GROWING A GEEK BEARD
Patchy facial hair won?t solve anything. If you let your face sprout at will, the only new friends you meet will be chatting to you in Elvish during a late night World of Warcraft session.
9. HATING EVERY HAPPY COUPLE YOU SEE
It?s not their fault your relationship collapsed, so don?t penalise them for it. Having said that, if they?re snogging like famished ferrets on a crowded train, feel free to ?tsk? in disapproval. That?s just gross.
10. BOTHERING ANOTHER EX
The most selfish thing you can do when someone dumps you is to go crawling back to someone you yourself dumped. They?ve gone through the hard slog, they?re finally over you and then you try to reel them back in because you?re feeling a bit lonely. Wake up to yourself.
11. EATING DORITOS FOR BREAKFAST, LUNCH AND DINNER
Food preparation is a bother at the best of times, and when you?ve been sapped of all enthusiasm for life the effort can seem a bit pointless. But you can only down so many chips and biscuits before your health starts to deteriorate. Think long term.
12. WATCHING ANY ROMANCE FILM
If the movie in question includes a love story and doesn?t involve a series of large explosions, turn it off. Incidentally, the perfect post-breakup film is Monty Python?sThe Life of Brian. Particularly this part of it (mild language warning).