Listen up ladies: We know you’re keeping secrets from us. And even though you think you’ve got men all figured out, we’re hiding a few things ourselves. But we’re kind enough to compile this list of 50 universal guy truths that all women should understand. Read on and learn what your man is really thinking.
1. Express yourself. It makes us proud, even if someone thinks you’re wrong.
2. You look hot in running shoes and shorts. And that top thingy with the stripes.
3. Bare, tan shoulders are underrated.
4. If you think I’m speeding now, you should see me drive when you’re not in the car.
5. If you’re truly interested in us, don’t play hard to get.
6. Shopping is a chore, not an activity.
7. When I screw up, go ahead and tell me?once.
8. No question need ever be asked through a closed bathroom door if I’m inside. I love you less with each syllable you utter.
9. I’m hot for you, not your sister or your friend or your coworker.
10. My guy friends. Not only are they not negotiable, they’re your best sign that I’m not a whack job.
11. Don’t be afraid to ditch the makeup. Natural is sexier.
12. Leave the eyebrows alone. Plucked ain’t pretty.
13. You can have sex with us any time you want. Seriously.
14. When the game is on, we will pay attention to you if you’re nice about it. Bark, and we shut down.
15. I don’t ask for directions because I’m just happy to be driving. Anywhere.
16. Masturbation is merely practice for the big game. Encourage it.
17. We crave hugs and hand-holding too. And no, it doesn’t always have to lead to sex.
18. But you can have sex with us any time you want. Did we mention that?
19. There’s no better sound in the world than you, having an orgasm.
20. Though the exhaust note of a Porsche Boxster is pretty damn fine, too.
21. I just may lie to make you feel good. Don’t be angry about this. You really weren’t looking for the truth anyway.
22. When you get angry over some stupid little pointless thing, I question your intelligence.
23. You’re really bad at faking it.
24. If I offer my help while you’re getting ready, it means you’re late.
25. Never ask me to pick out your outfit. (See above.) I will invariably get it wrong and make us even more late.
26. Giving me two or three choices, however, can be fun. Assuming you will change outfits in front of me. Slowly.
27. Err on the side of hot; I love to show you off.
28. Unless we’re meeting my parents.
29. When you call us at work “just to chat,” we’re not really listening; we’re checking our e-mail.
30. Spring means baseball and skirts. Doesn’t need to be a mini-skirt; it’s been a long winter.
31. Chicks who drink beer are hot. Better yet: chicks who drink beer and watch the game. Better still: chicks who buy us a beer during the game.
32. We don’t mind being told we look good. Just don’t call it a “cute outfit.”
33. We love ponytails.
34. Being good in bed means a) enthusiasm; b) a sense of humor; and sometimes c) patience.
35. The first time? We’re as nervous as you are.
36. A random unexpected grope is always welcome, even in public. Especially in public.
37. Make us laugh and we’ll want to hang around.
38. Yes, I laugh really loud around the guys. And I always will, so deal.
39. Sure, men stereotypically like to solve a woman’s problems. But a woman who solves her own while we watch? Instant erection.
40. You can pick the movie, but have a reason.
41. Do not expect to have a conversation via text message unless you use the words “naked” and “waiting.”
42. Sometimes we wonder why any woman would want to be with us, much less someone as amazing as you. So, thanks.
43. Anytime you cook for us, we’re happy.
44. If you can hit a golf ball 150 yards, we just might fall in love.
45. No, I don’t remember what he said next. Or she. Or anybody, for that matter. I’m a guy, not a tape recorder.
46. We love you even more because you know we need to go out with the guys once in a while.
47. And we love it when you hang with us guys, too.
48. We have a keen sense of imminent danger. It sounds like, “Do you think she’s pretty?”
49. Don’t rely on us for keeping you up on the news.
50. Never say, “I know you better than you know yourself.” Nobody does.